I Have Found Worth in Christ
Being brought up in a Christian family, I always saw myself as a daughter who needed to be as active as my parents in Church activities and a Sunday school student who had to answer the questions that no one else wanted to answer. Growing up, I felt that I had this expectation to live up to, to be spiritually mature and energetic. As I grew older, I started to question if my faith was actually mine or if I had it to satisfy others. I was often very scared to share my real thoughts to my parents and friends, because what if my thoughts about wavering faith displeased their standards for me? I would mask my true self so much that overtime I didn’t know who I really was. I’d react to situations in ways I didn’t expect myself to, say things without filter, and do things I thought I would never do. Between school, church, and home, I was a two faced person that acted certain ways to gratify others. I would get angry at myself and at God, because He seemed so distant. I knew behaving this way wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t know how to stop.
From 2016-2017, I slipped into stages of desolation that affected me physically. I had Mono Epstein Barr, in which I’d sleep all day and skipped meals. Even when that was over, there were still periods of time where I lost my appetite and weight, continuing to sleep for excessive hours. Every morning I found it hard to motivate myself to get up, and I carried a burden of confusion and loneliness. I was very sensitive about everything; whenever someone talked about feelings or asked how I was doing, I would start shaking and crying. I saw all my actions and thoughts as an angsty and hormonal phase, that I was too over dramatic so there was no point in confiding in someone. I found it so hard to believe that there was a God who gave Himself for me out of love, why would someone like that pay attention to a person like me?
In early January of this year, I couldn’t sleep and had a sudden urge to pray. I gave my life to Christ that night, confessing everything that I had felt for the past two years, and admitted my sins. I realized that the emptiness I felt was a longing for an everlasting love that we can only find in Jesus. I always thought God forgot about me, but it was me who pushed Him away when I needed Him most. Despite the times I had rejected and neglected Him, He continues to reveal Himself to me. In Isaiah 53:5, it says, “he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” I believe that I am a sinner and that Jesus took my punishment on the cross. I believe that three days later, He rose again, and my sins are gone because of His grace. Just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, I too can live a new life. By giving Him my hurt and sin, He will use it for a greater meaning. I am able to perceive that the life I have has a greater meaning than being alive, it is living with purpose. There is a God who uses a sinner like me to serve others for Him. Christ is my purpose and through His perpetual compassion for me, I have found worth.